It's Monday. Back to work. Back to school. Back to daycare.
How was our weekend? Well, it was nice. Cory had a meeting at church on Saturday morning, so the boys and I drove up to Watertown to watch Mariah compete with the UGHS varsity dance team in regionals. I juggled the little monsters, fed them lots of not-so-healthy-food, and we cheered on Mariah. The girls took 4th place so we will head up to State next! Very proud of Mariah! She is amazing!
On Saturday night our friends came over to tell us all about two little babies that they hope to adopt soon. They are moving forward with the process and hope to have these two little ones living with them within the next couple of weeks! We are so happy for them. They are wonderful people and these babies will be truly blessed with the love they will receive for the rest of their lives.
While our friends were over we went through some baby stuff that I had in storage. We sent them home with clothes, blankets, an infant carseat, and a couple bases. After they left, Cory and I were talking and I mentioned how that carseat had been used by many babies and if we ever have another baby we would have to buy a new carseat... (they expire). That is when Cory looked at me and said, "You need to realize, there will be no more babies." He's told me over and over again that he doesn't want any more children. That three is where we need to stop. Daily/weekly/monthly... I have heard this over and over, but this weekend is when it really hit me.
There will be no more babies... You need to realize... wow how those words hit me like a sharp knife through my chest. This is it. It's over. I am a mother of three. I am very grateful for the three children that we have and I love them more than I could ever put in to words. They are my world. They are my everything. I've always wanted a big family. I've always wanted five kids. I started having kids when I was 18 years old. Mariah was my first little princess. The little lady that taught me what loving a child was all about. She made me a mom.
I'm 34 years old now. I still want two more kids. I still want... I still want... those are words that Cory likes to remind me of. I am never happy, always wanting more, can't just enjoy what I have. Oh how that is so wrong though. I enjoy what I have. I love and enjoy and feel no grater happiness than what I feel from my children. I am a mom and I am proud. I would give every minute of every day to be with those kids, but in reality that is not possible. They need to go to school and daycare, I need to work, they need friends, I need friends, but in a perfect world, if I could, I would do everything with them. Being a mom...that is my passion.
You need to realize... these words just keep playing in my mind over and over. I need to realize. This is not my choice. This is not my decision. I am married. I took vows. We have to work together as a team. Cory wasn't sure he wanted any kids when we first met. Then he learned to love being a dad to Mariah and we decided to start a family together. We had Ethan, then three years later had Carter. It was a struggle. I wasn't sure he was ever going to give in to a third child (Carter), but he did and I am truly blessed because of that. I have three kids. They are amazing. They play, they fight, they love, they teach, they learn. They are amazing.
There will be no more babies... how do I come to terms with this? I remind myself every day of how lucky I am to have the three kids that I have. I try to mute the longing for more kids. I try to mute my desire to have a family with five kids that I have always dreamed of. Maybe God has other plans for me? Maybe I can only handle three? I try to come up with reasons every day as to why I long for two more when I know that it is not possible. My husband is done. He doesn't want any more kids. This is it.
I will continue to be thankful every day for the moments that I get with my children.
I will continue to be grateful for how blessed I am to have three beautiful healthy children.
I will continue to pray to God asking him to help me find peace, happiness, and a feeling of content.
I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. The old fashion family with five kids. You know, where the husband works, the mom cooks and cleans and takes care of the kids, and everyone gathers together at the end of the day and spends quality time together.
That didn't happen though. We built a house. I spend too much money. We spend too much money. I am so unhappy with many things about our house. I am always trying to buy things to make myself like our house more. It works for a short while, but deep inside I hate our house. I hate it because it is expensive and not ideal. I hate it because in order to live in our house we both need to work full time to pay for our house. Not only do I work full time, but I also work part time as an independent sales consultant. I do this for extra money to pay for things, to buy more stuff for our house, to buy things for the kids...
Life is stressful, life is busy, it's hard to get what we really want out of life. Every decision made plays a huge part in the rest of our lives. How do we find happiness in what we have? How do I learn to be content?