Just One of Those Days...

It's Monday.  Back to work.  Back to school.  Back to daycare. 

How was our weekend?  Well, it was nice.  Cory had a meeting at church on Saturday morning, so the boys and I drove up to Watertown to watch Mariah compete with the UGHS varsity dance team in regionals.  I juggled the little monsters, fed them lots of not-so-healthy-food, and we cheered on Mariah.  The girls took 4th place so we will head up to State next!  Very proud of Mariah!  She is amazing! 

On Saturday night our friends came over to tell us all about two little babies that they hope to adopt soon.  They are moving forward with the process and hope to have these two little ones living with them within the next couple of weeks!  We are so happy for them.  They are wonderful people and these babies will be truly blessed with the love they will receive for the rest of their lives. 

While our friends were over we went through some baby stuff that I had in storage.  We sent them home with clothes, blankets, an infant carseat, and a couple bases.  After they left, Cory and I were talking and I mentioned how that carseat had been used by many babies and if we ever have another baby we would have to buy a new carseat... (they expire).  That is when Cory looked at me and said, "You need to realize, there will be no more babies."   He's told me over and over again that he doesn't want any more children.  That three is where we need to stop.  Daily/weekly/monthly... I have heard this over and over, but this weekend is when it really hit me. 

There will be no more babies... You need to realize... wow how those words hit me like a sharp knife through my chest.  This is it.  It's over.  I am a mother of three.  I am very grateful for the three children that we have and I love them more than I could ever put in to words.  They are my world.  They are my everything.  I've always wanted a big family.  I've always wanted five kids.  I started having kids when I was 18 years old.  Mariah was my first little princess.  The little lady that taught me what loving a child was all about.  She made me a mom. 

I'm 34 years old now.  I still want two more kids.  I still want... I still want... those are words that Cory likes to remind me of.  I am never happy, always wanting more, can't just enjoy what I have.  Oh how that is so wrong though.  I enjoy what I have.  I love and enjoy and feel no grater happiness than what I feel from my children.  I am a mom and I am proud.  I would give every minute of every day to be with those kids, but in reality that is not possible.  They need to go to school and daycare, I need to work, they need friends, I need friends, but in a perfect world, if I could, I would do everything with them.  Being a mom...that is my passion. 

You need to realize... these words just keep playing in my mind over and over.  I need to realize.  This is not my choice.  This is not my decision.  I am married.  I took vows.  We have to work together as a team.  Cory wasn't sure he wanted any kids when we first met.  Then he learned to love being a dad to Mariah and we decided to start a family together.  We had Ethan, then three years later had Carter.  It was a struggle.  I wasn't sure he was ever going to give in to a third child (Carter), but he did and I am truly blessed because of that.  I have three kids.  They are amazing.  They play, they fight, they love, they teach, they learn.  They are amazing. 

There will be no more babies... how do I come to terms with this?  I remind myself every day of how lucky I am to have the three kids that I have. I try to mute the longing for more kids.  I try to mute my desire to have a family with five kids that I have always dreamed of.  Maybe God has other plans for me?  Maybe I can only handle three?  I try to come up with reasons every day as to why I long for two more when I know that it is not possible.  My husband is done.  He doesn't want any more kids.  This is it. 

I will continue to be thankful every day for the moments that I get with my children.
I will continue to be grateful for how blessed I am to have three beautiful healthy children. 
I will continue to pray to God asking him to help me find peace, happiness, and a feeling of content. 

I always wanted to be a stay at home mom.  The old fashion family with five kids.  You know, where the husband works, the mom cooks and cleans and takes care of the kids, and everyone gathers together at the end of the day and spends quality time together. 
That didn't happen though.  We built a house.  I spend too much money.  We spend too much money.  I am so unhappy with many things about our house.  I am always trying to buy things to make myself like our house more.  It works for a short while, but deep inside I hate our house.  I hate it because it is expensive and not ideal.  I hate it because in order to live in our house we both need to work full time to pay for our house.  Not only do I work full time, but I also work part time as an independent sales consultant.  I do this for extra money to pay for things, to buy more stuff for our house, to buy things for the kids...

Life is stressful, life is busy, it's hard to get what we really want out of life.  Every decision made plays a huge part in the rest of our lives.  How do we find happiness in what we have?  How do I learn to be content? 

Family Day in Chicago

We love living so close to a big city. Actually, two big cities, but we tend to favor Chicago. On Saturday we surprised the kids with a trip down to Chicago. We took the train out of Waukegan. It was the first train ride to Chicago for all three of our kids. They seemed to enjoy it on the way there, but on the way back we were all exhausted and just ready to be at home.

Chicago was a lot of fun.  The weather was perfect.  The city was packed!  But everyone was in great holiday spirits.  Ethan wasn't so sure of the big crowds at first.  He became pretty upset and made it very well known that he wanted to go home.  Thankfully, some delicious food from Rock Bottom Brewery seemed to calm him down and prepare him to head back out on to the congested streets. 

We did some touring around, took lots of pictures, and watched the parade.  Radio Disney was at the parade so we heard some live performances and got to see a couple Disney celebrities.  The kids thought that was pretty cool! 

After the parade there was an amazing display of fireworks. They were LOUD. The noise bounced from building to building. Ethan and Carter watched with pure amazement.  Ethan didn't even care that his hat was falling off of his head...

On the way back to the train station, Mariah and I ran in to one of the many Starbucks and grabbed some warm drinks and a couple snacks for Cory and the boys. I love Starbucks.... What a great way to end a perfect family day.

Ethan slept on the train ride home.  We were hoping that Carter would do the same, but he decided to sing loudly in a horrible crying type of way... I bounced him, rocked him, and did everything I could to keep him quiet so the other passengers wouldn't get upset.  I even resorted to feeding him cookies at 10:30 at night... I was going for anything that would work. 

We got home a little before midnight and put the kids to bed.  We thought for sure they would sleep in, but by 7am the next morning they were all wide awake.  So much for catching up on sleep, but it was worth it! 

I love family adventures! 

28 Hours

I have made it 28 hours without nursing Carter.  I have been ready to quit for a while, but Carter has not been ready.  He is so attached to me.  I love his snuggles and that he always wants to be right next to me, but I also know that the longer I nurse him, the more attached he will get and the harder it will be to quit.  My goal was to nurse him until he was 12 months.  I made it to that goal back in June.  I've been going back and forth about weaning him ever since.  Well, it's finally time.  I'm ready.  He'll adjust.  Actually, so far he is doing okay.  He had a 30 minute melt down before dinner last night.  He followed me around the house and clung to my leg while screaming.  He threw himself on the floor a couple times while yelling mamamamama... It was heartbreaking, but we made it through it.  I offered him a sippy cup with strawberry milk, a bottle with ice cubes and water, and finally he chose the milk in the straw cup that Ethan was drinking.  Whatever makes our little man happy, except for nursing.  These next couple days are going to be rough, but we can do it. 

Last night I gave him a bottle before bed.  He drank about 2-3 ounces after fussing for a while.  I know that giving him a bottle is a bit backwards since he's been using a sippy cup for about 5 months, but I wanted to give him something that resembled nursing to try to make the transition smoother.  It worked for bed time.  Then he woke up at 1:40am.  I sat in his room and tried to keep him happy and offered him a bottle until 2:00am.  Then Cory came in and I left the room.  Cory gave Carter a sippy cup instead of the bottle.  After a couple minutes of refusing the cup, Carter finally gave in.  He drank a little bit, handed Cory the cup, then laid back down and went to sleep.  He fussed a little around 2:45am, but quickly put himself back to sleep.  We had to wake him up at 6:00am this morning.  The night went a lot better than I was anticipating! 

This is such a hard decision to make.  I knelt next to his crib when I put him to bed last night.  I watched him drink from his bottle and I cried.  I cried because my little baby is growing up.  He won't need me the way he has for the past 14 1/2 months.  I know I can't keep him small forever, but he is my baby. 

We can do this... hour by hour. 

So Excited!

Remember this post about the Norwex party that I had?  Well, now I am joining in on the fun and becoming a consultant!  Yup, that is how much I love this stuff!  I am so excited to tell everyone about the fabulous products!! 

Da Bears = Date Night!

Cory and I had a little last minute date night on a Thursday night!  We scored some tickets to our first ever BEARS game at Soldier Field.  I love Chicago and get excited about heading down there any chance I get.  Cory knew the traffic would be bad so we left around 4:30pm since the game started at 7:30pm.  We wanted plenty of time to drive there, explore, and find our seats.  It should have only taken us an hour to get there, but traffic was SO bad that it ended up taking THREE hours!  The nice thing about that horrible three hour drive was that Cory and I had lots of alone time to talk and just take in the scenes around us.  It's not very often that we get a chance to do that. 

It was raining during our drive down to Chicago, but luckily it stopped right before the game started.  I had never experienced thunder in a big city before.  It was so incredibly loud! The noise amplifed off all the tall buildings.  The thunder completely shook the city and startled Cory and I when we heard it for the first time.   

The game was packed!  It was awesome experiencing a football game in real life and not just on TV. 

The BEARS didn't do very well.  It was a preseason game so all the good players were watching from the sidelines.  We stayed until the 3rd quarter and then explored the stadium before leaving to pick up some pizza.  Love Chicago's pizza, the best! 

Soldier Field was really impressive.  The outside looks kind of goofy with the old columns mixed with the new spaceship look, but the inside has a lot of history.  The giant columns were beautiful to walk through. 

There was a memorial wall that listed every player in BEARS history.  Cory really enjoyed browsing through the list and recognizing some of the players names.   

This wall was amazing.  The detail of this picture made the people look very real.  We were so glad we had the opportunity to visit Chicago and explore Soldier Field.  

It was a perfect date night!

I Love My Blog

Some days, like today, I have nothing interesting to talk about, but I still ramble out thoughts of nothingness on my blog.  I love my blog.  I love looking back through my blog and wondering why I didn't start it sooner.  I've never been good at scrap books, I'm horrible at recording the kids milestones on paper or in any type of journal or baby book, and I'll be the first to admit that my memory sucks.  With that said, thank goodness for my blog!  I record it all here.  For all to read, some to comment, and mainly for my own documentation.  Thank you blogger.com for giving me this space on the world wide web to record life's happenings.  Without this blog my life's most amazing moments would happen, but the details would be forgotten. 

And a little more randomness for today:

I bought a rug for the family room.  Yes, carpet over carpet.  Some day I dream of a wood floor under the rug, but until then... double carpet.  Not my favorite look, but I wanted a rug. 

 I spray painted!  What did I learn?  ...that I like painting with a brush better, but it was still fun. 

The basement walls are finally getting decorated!  I am loving these pieces that I picked up at Pier 1.

Here's my latest little pinterest project.  I painted the clothes pins, hot glued them to a 4 foot ruler, and hung it on the wall.  I used the back side of the ruler because it lists fun measurement facts.  I love reading those facts to the kids.

My walls look really yellow in these pictures.  Yuck.  Here is a glimpse of the kids hallway.  Next up, new pictures frames and more of them.  That is Mariah's door at the end of the hall.  Can you tell?

My boys ;-)  Ethan drives pretty crazy so we put a bike helmet on Carter just in case he were to tumble out of the gator.  Carter holds on really tight though so I don't think we have much to worry about.  

Look at this little man go!  He is definitely walking!  He's a bit wobbly still, but is finally choosing walking over crawling.  Way to go Carter!

That's all for now! 

Rental

I have a rental vehicle. 

Luckily, it's a nice rental vehicle.

It's a Dodge Grand Caravan.  2012.  With lots of power-everything.  Power-everything-that-my-KIA-doesn't-have.  Hmmm I might want to just keep the rental. 

My KIA has had a door issue since I bought it.  The drivers side sliding door doesn't always latch and stay completely latched.  This is a huge safety issue and it's also really annoying.  Out of no where, while driving down the road, the lights will suddenly turn on inside the vehicle and a loud chime will start chiming.  It is extremely distracting.  It will not stop chiming and the lights won't turn off until I pull the van over and open and close the door.  Serious safety issue.

We took the van for an oil change around 5,000 miles and had them look for the door issue.  They couldn't find the problem because it wasn't currently happening so they did nothing to fix it. 

We took it back in for the second oil change around 10,000 miles and told them the issue with the door hadn't gotten any better.  They lubed the door and sent us on our way. 

This helped for a little while - possibly - until Thursday morning (April 26).  I dropped the boys off at daycare, started heading to work, got about a mile from daycare when the lights flashed on and the chime was chiming.  I turned the van around, called Cory, and told him it was time to head to KIA while the van was acting up.  Cory met me, took my van in while I headed to work in his truck, and talked in a we're-going-to-get-things-fixed-manner with the KIA dealership. 

So, KIA claims they fixed the issue on Thursday by changing out the door latch.  They just happened to have these parts in stock.  But, they are going to keep my van for a while and try to see if the issue occurs again. 

Wednesday, May 9th: I started this post on Friday, April 27th.  Here we are a week and a half later and I still have a rental... Only this rental isn't as nice.  On Saturday, April 28th I got my KIA back (which I've confirmed recently how much love).  On Monday, April 30th while driving to work.... the door did it's thing again.  So, back to KIA we went.  This time they gave me a not-so-lovely VW 2007 completely unloaded and yucky minivan.  I've been driving this vehicle for a week and a half and can't wait to get rid of it.  I want my KIA back.  Badly.  And I want the door issue to be fixed. 

Some Weeks Just Bite

I am having a down day week.  Maybe because I'm a little tired.  Okay, a lot tired.  Or maybe it's because I'm thinking ahead to the kids being off of school over the summer and I'll still have to go to work every day.  Or maybe it's because the weather has been cooler again and extremely windy and I really don't like the wind.  Or maybe this cold I'm fighting has something to do with it.  Or the fact that my baby is almost 16 years old.  Or that my baby-baby is almost 1.  And that my middle baby is going to start school in a year and a half.  Guess there are lots of things that could be making me feel down. 

It could also be that my benefits cost is going to drastically rise in July and even after a small raise I'll still be bringing home less money per paycheck.  Or maybe it's the long to do list that we still have for our house after 6 years.  Don't get me wrong, I love projects.  I just hate things like spending a fortune to pave our long driveway.  Or saving money so some day we can build another garage to store all the things that come along with living in the country.

I'm also panicking over the what-ifs that come along with having two boys in the country.  ATVs, accidents, snowmobiles, accidents, dirt bikes, accidents.

Or maybe the "accident" worry is coming from asking my mom if she could take my daughter to Drivers Ed this summer.  No, I'm not worried about my mom driving.  I'm worried about letting go of Mariah a little bit more.

Doesn't feel like it was that long ago when she was learning how to drive her little pink sports car around the yard.  Just like Ethan does now, Mariah always had an animal in the car with her.  Notice the cute little kitten that she's holding on to? She's always been an animal lover.

This is going to be a really tough summer. 

Bang Bang

I cut bangs... again... every time I cut bangs I promise myself that I will NEVER cut bangs again, but a force takes over me and I get out the scissors and snip away and end up with bangs.  I hate bangs.  They are so cute on everyone else, but I don't have the right hair for bangs.  I have two cowlicks, one on each side of my forehead, and they make wearing bangs a nightmare, but I tend to forget that often.

So, here I am with newly cut bangs.  Notice the really thin piece on my right side?  It took me a while to get my bangs to lay like that.  The thin piece bothered me though.  I just don't have hair on that side of my forehead. 

I moved the thin piece over to the other side along with the rest of my side-bangs.  They were nice for about 10 minutes.  Then they started going in my eyes.

Which quickly made me come up with my new hairstyle.  I will be sportin' these cute clips holding back my bangs for the next many months until these bad-boys grow out.  What was I thinking?  I can't even say "live and learn".  I've done this too many times.  I am really digging my new hair color though.  I did an all over color instead of hilites.  So much easier to do on my own! 

Yes, That's Me

I am the mom that often looks like this at work.  Frizzy, air dried hair.

But that doesn't last for long.  It quickly turns in to this.

Not the greatest look.  I know.  Instead of taking 10-15 minutes every morning to do my hair, I choose to have breakfast with my kids in the kitchen, then take time to play with them at daycare while dropping them off. I drop Mariah off at high school every morning and talk to her about her day on the way there.  I read the menu to Ethan at school every morning.  We look around his classroom and he points out what he did the day before.  Right now they are growing beans, sunflowers, and pumpkins under a little lamp in the corner.  Ethan's beans are about 2 inches tall!  Then we pick out toys for Carter to play with, say HI to the other kids, and catch up with the teachers.  I get a couple hugs and kisses from both boys, and leave with a smile on my face. 

 Those moments with my kids are way more important to me than the way my hair looks.  Sure, some mornings I rock and am able to do both, that's ultimately my goal, but on days like this when my hair is a mess and I am watching well groomed moms drop their kids off at daycare and fly out of the door without even hugging their child good-bye, well, those are the moments that make these messy hairstyles that much better. 

Cut From the Same Cloth

These were Cory's words this morning as Mariah and I were yelling at each other...

Mariah was yelling at Ethan, so I yelled at Mariah.  Mariah yelled back at me and went outside to sit in my van.  Oh the joys of parenting a teenage daughter that is just as headstrong as I am...

I told my dad the other day that Mariah can be a real handful.  His reaction: Ha, Good!  Thanks dad... guess I wasn't a walk in the park either. 

Oh I love her dearly, but we sure can bump heads.  We are, as Cory put it, cut from the same cloth.

I Can't Sleep

It is horrible.  I can't sleep.  I am so tired.  I yawn all day.  I'm in a fog.  I can't focus, but when I lay down in bed at night... I can't sleep.  I can't turn off.  My mind keeps going.  I lay wide awake until midnight every night.  I'm lucky if I get to sleep until 3 or 4am uninterrupted.  Then by 5am I am wide awake again.  Why is this happening?  Last night Carter was in bed by 7pm, Ethan was in bed by 8pm, and there I was wide awake, trying to sleep, but not actually falling asleep until around midnight.  I just need to sleep.  This lack of sleep is causing anxiety.  I have bags under my eyes.  I am getting irritable.  I really need to sleep. 

Any recommendations?  Herbs?  Medications?  Relaxation techniques?  I am guessing some of this is related to my post partum anxiety.  I am hoping it passes soon, but I need to find a way to get through it.  I need to function. 

Evening with Pinterest

Last night we had a pinteresting evening.  I started working on some wreaths, while the boys sat and played with bubbles.  All thanks to pinterest.com.  Man I love that idea site. 

Wreath pinspiration / Bubble pinspiration

Snow Fun

We finally got enough snow for sledding!  Yes, I am actually excited about that.  Normally I am not a fan of the winters and cold weather, but I'll have to admit that playing with the kids in the snow kind of makes me feel like a kid all over again. 

Mariah and Ethan sledding down the hill together.

Coming to a crash landing.

Ethan getting up to do it all over again.

Mariah telling me her butt is so cold there are penguins on it.

Heading up the hill for more.

 

 My brother trying to take me out...

literally...

I had to run out of the way and he laughed the whole time.