Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What do you want to be when you grow up?

We are all asked this question as kids and we give our honest full answers without knowing how much school will be involved, how much money we will or will not make, and how much work it will be to reach our dream jobs.  When asked this as a kid I remember saying that I wanted to do hair.  I loved being creative and making people pretty.  Fortunately, I was able to follow this dream after high school and work in a salon for a couple years.  I loved doing hair, loved my coworkers, loved the challenges that were brought to me and best of all I loved making people happy.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to keep this job because the hours were poor and so was the pay and lack of benefits.  I needed something different and needed it fast.  So, I ended up as a secretary.  Set hours, nice pay, great benefits.... yet all my happiness flew right out the window, but I had money and security. 

We make sacrifices in our lives to make the best situation possible for ourselves and our families.  I am sure there is a happy medium out there somewhere, but I can't seem to find it.  I am constantly searching for that piece of me that is missing... that job or career... or maybe to be a stay at home mom.  I am praying that it will find me because I honestly don't even know where to start to look to find it.  I pray often that I will just find happiness in what I do and from time to time I find that happiness, but it doesn't stay.  It disappears quickly and is hard to get back.  Why is happiness so hard to hold on to? 

I knew that I couldn't go back to being a hairstylist because that would mean a pay cut, hours that are not reliable, and besides that... I am getting older and people want young out of college stylists.  So, instead I went to school for psychology.  I figured I would still be able to help people and that would be extremely satisfying for me.  I finished my bachelors degree right before I had Ethan and swore I'd go back for my masters so I could find a job as a therapist or counselor.  Well... I never went back.  After having Ethan I realized that what I really wanted, more than anything in the world, was to be a stay at home mom.  Something that would be so rewarding, so challenging, so enjoyable, and would give me a better reason of self; however, this is impossible.  Our life situation does not allow for me to leave my full time job with nice pay and great benefits and set hours...

When do we draw the line?  Why do we sacrificing our happiness just to "make it through life"?  Isn't life supposed to bring us happiness and joy?  Why are there so many people that hate their jobs and hate what they do, but they do it anyways to have what they have?  I don't want all that stuff anymore.  I don't want an expensive house with tons of bills.  I want a simpler life.  Why is it so hard to go back and find simple after we've made it to complicated?


  1. I don't know what the answer is. We do complicate our lives. I want a simpler life too. I think we sometimes realize too late what is really important to us. Life is full of so many decisions. Each decision is made because of who we are and makes up our life...big ones and small ones. I guess we just need to continue to make each decision count towards our true priority.

  2. Oh Kelly, I feel your heartache! I have been back and forth with working and not working since we had Ali. I will attest that both are hard! I read your post a few days ago when being a stay at home mom was not feeling so great and had to think about your thoughts before I could comment. When I weigh the decision about work I always get back to what is the most important thing in my life and that truly is my family. We have sacrificed greatly for me to be home. We probably will rent for 10 more years and always have old cars and never go out to eat, but for now, that's what our life is. I know that your family is number one and that working is hard. I felt that when I worked I was always trying to "make it up" to Ali for being gone. Now I feel that I am trying to "make it up" to her for being a crazy lady half the time. It is hard when you have the validation of work and the social aspect and the financial freedom to feeling like all you are good for is nursing, changing diapers, listening to crying and whining and playing Barbies. Anthony is always reminding me that those are very important things to be doing but they don't feel that way when I am in the middle of them.
    I hope that you are able to find joy and happiness. I think that we are all searching for it. I am trying to recognize that it often comes in small moments and I need to make the best of those and not wish for notion of happiness that probably doesn't even exist. I am here for you if you ever need a friend!

  3. Hey Girl, I can't tell you the answer. We've done both and I definitely liked being a stay at home mom. We made choices so that we could do that. We gave up things. I still have to try to find the balance. I recently gave up the volunteer abstinence teaching and I'm just going to help them out putting "handouts" together for the other teachers. I can do that at home and JM can help. I do work outside the home part time. None of our cars have under 100K miles. We don't go out to eat often. We are also experiencing a desire to "simplify" our lives in eating and spending. We'll be praying for you.

  4. Thanks for all of your wonderful comments. Life can truly be challenging at times. I do pretty well with staying above water for the most part, but some days I just get so worn down and wish that things were different. So hard to find that balance and always think of the positive. I am trying to continually pray to find and keep happiness in all that I have.